Irene's Scene

Thru With the Flu

2009-10-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

Boo hoo, we have the flu. Charlie had it for 3 days, and now Sam has come down with it. Miserable! I imagine it will just work its way around the family. Who will be the next victim? Of course I am trying to take every precaution to not contract the ubiquitous influenza myself, but people, it is difficult when you are playing nursemaid to the ill. For example, handling the thermometer. Pre-surgery, I'd have a handy place to stash the germy thermometer after a reading. The left ear hole/slit held it quite snugly. But now, with the new lobes, I must use my hands. I hope my readers are staying healthy! Back to my patients...

Nip & Tuck

2009-07-07T03:42:00.000-07:00

When you're 40, gravity begins to take a toll on the old body. Irene is no exception. However, in true "can-do" fashion, I am going into battle with Father Time and have scheduled "the surgery."

After all, what woman doesn't desire a pair of plump, smooth, curvaceous, perky earlobes? A victim of the '80s, my earlobes were stretched to the max by some heavy-duty earrings that looked like upholstery buttons. And I've suffered unsightly stretched out holes ever since. Granted, I will miss the party trick of being able to stick my entire finger through my earlobes, or the chuckle I'd elicit when insisting that my three children were birthed through my earlobes.
But those jokes have grown stale, and I worry for my safety. I could easily get hung up on a branch or something. Irene is ready for a fresh young look!

The surgery will be performed in late fall. It is done by my dermatologist in her office with a local anaesthetic. My lobes will be filleted and then stitched neatly back up. After four weeks I may elect to have them repierced. But for four weeks post-op I will be wearing heavy bandages that look like ear muffs. I think that will be grand for substitute teaching. I am always looking for a way to muffle classroom noise.

Earl, R.I.P.

2009-03-14T05:02:00.001-07:00

"Do you remember sixth grade? Well, I do, because I was thrust into it for five consecutive days this week as a substitute teacher. It is everything you remember except you are 3 times bigger and smellier because you have been eating too much unorganic chicken & milk. On Wednesday, I brought some Febreze in with me. By some small miracle, both Smithers the class fish and I survived the week."

O.K., friends. That was written back in February, so I apologize for the delay to print. Needless to say, I survived the sixth grade "experience" and here I am at the end of another school year. Yahoo! Bring on summer. I've had about enough of keeping up with prodding those little Cowboys into doing their homework, studying for SOLs, shuttling them to soccer & baseball practice. Enough! Fetch me a mint julep and call it a school year, will ya?

So what's new w/you? I am mourning the end of Earl. It was a good run (four seasons!) but nevertheless, what is life without a weekly dose of Crab Man? And Joy? We hardly knew ye. Yes, my clever sibling can check "created emmy-winning sit-com" off his list and I'm sure he's on to bigger & better things, yet I pine for more trailer park shenanigans.

Hoping your June finds you yearning for Summertime!! xoxox, Irene

On the edge of 17

2008-12-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

Well, 40 actually. No matter. But the blogging...has it really been that long?? Gosh, I just joined Facebook and...well, eight months have elapsed. But I perused some of my old posts today and realize just how gifted of a writer I am, so I will no longer deprive you. I know that my readers have been hungry for Irene's wit for far too long.

My big birthday approacheth, so if your card or gift (gifts are preferred over cards) is not in the mail, act fast. My neighborhood cronies threw me a most unique surprise party. A squaredance, complete with a professional caller! Nothing could have tickled me more. Not since fourth grade PE have I had the pleasure of promenading around a dance floor. Pure bliss. And she may be nearly 40 but, y'all, Irene can turn some heads in an authentic squaredance dress. Agreed?

In Loving Memory of Haley Hot Chocolate Stoker: 1994-2008

2008-04-21T16:52:00.001-07:00

On Monday April 21, we said goodbye to a member of our family, Haley Hot Chocolate Stoker. She was a loyal and affectionate lab, fond of bacon, bagels, and cheese. In her youth, she was an excellent swimmer. She never met anyone, human or canine, she didn't like. Good old Haley Dog. Thank you for 13 years of companionship. We will all miss you.

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." Will Rogers

Irene Returns

2008-04-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

Hello friends! Ah, spring has sprung and Irene is lumbering out of hibernation. How are ye? I know it's been awhile and I apologize. You know how life can be so Z*a*N*y.

No doubt you have missed hearing of the antics of Irene and family. I think we left off somewhere around Owen Wilson's personal tragedy... Well, let me get you up to speed. We had a nice winter. Spent the yuletide in town but had a nice long weekend ski getaway with aunts, uncles, and cousins. Had a fabulous weekend with high school friends in NYC... Hmmm. What else? Busy heading up the chess club, and glad to report it is almost over for the year. Sing "glory, glory" for that. Sad to report that Haley Dog is failing. I feel as if I've been saying "it won't be long" for months, but she is a determined old sack of fur and bones. Despite her chronic weight loss, she continues to have a ravenous appetite for cuisine of all types. However, we all know she cannot survive much longer weighing no more than a guinea pig.

I will try to blog with more frequency. Until then, I wish you all well...

and Happy Passover to my Jewish homies.

--Irene

Cheer Up, Dupree!

2007-08-27T20:01:00.000-07:00

Hey! Hi! Here I am, making a dramatic re-entry onto "the scene." How have you been? I missed you! Like me, are you ready to turn your little cowboys and cowgirls back out onto the range? Fetch me my cattle prod...

I am despondent over the news of Owen Wilson's suicide attempt, who happens to be one of my favorite men, after the agile monkey. Was he feeling poorly about his nose?

Last weekend, I completed my fourth sprint triathlon (a personal best for Irene!) Once again I was made painfully aware of my odd running style. At the party after the event, I was telling a fellow triathlete that "I run funny." I was fishing for a "Oh, no you don't!" or a "Don't be silly!" Instead, without hestitation, she remarked that I seem to move my body more than necessary, and even went so far as to suggest that I appear to be doing a breaststroke kick as I run. Up until then, I was feeling pretty good about my performance!

New Phone: Music To My Ears

2007-04-28T04:49:00.000-07:00

We got a new phone last week. Besides a boatload of "megahertz," it also comes with some other swell features, including the ability to select a ringtone from a myriad of choices. The ringtone I've chosen for the time being is identical to the song of the ice cream truck that annoyingly carouses our neighborhood in the warmer months--a high-pitched, spirited "Yankee Doodle" melody. Mind you, for the first few incoming calls, the kiddies clammored to the curb, whipping their necks left and right to catch the first glimpse of that dirty man in the dirty truck, peddling ice cream novelties and God knows what else. But after a few days of receiving phone calls, we've all become used to the ringtone... conditoned to the ringtone. Do you see the genius? Mama's going to have a whole lot of extra spending money this summer, and that, friends, puts me in Good Humor.

The Big Bad Wolf

2007-03-24T19:44:00.000-07:00

Who's afraid of the Great Wolf Lodge, the Great Wolf Lodge, the Great Wolf Lodge? Well, I am because I am about the hairiest beast you've ever laid eyes on and in less than 24 hours, my family and I will be enjoying a brief stay at the renowned Great Wolf Lodge for some good old-fashioned water play. If only I could seek shelter under a red hood while I'm there. But alas, a far cry from Little Red, my limbs truly resemble those of the villainous wolf.

My appearance aside, I am really looking forward to this getaway. I booked it months ago and decided to SURPRISE the little darlings. They only know we are going away; they know not where. I am just such a FUN MOM I can't stand it.

So for now I bid you adieu with a short haiku, but will return with an account of our adventure.

Irene with hair so coarse and rough.

Like a wolf when in the buff.

Her butt makes splashes like a whale.

Not a pretty "fairy tail."

Erin Go Bra(less)

2007-03-17T04:37:00.000-07:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day, readers. Here at our house, we don't pay much heed to the feast day of St. Patrick. We have very little Irish blood coursing through our veins. But we most certainly do have other blood coursing through our veins and out of our bodies, as was quite evident upon my rising this morning. Apparently someone had one heck of a nosebleed before bed. Looks like Freddie Krueger came a-knockin'. Sheesh. Fortunately he dripped about only on hard surfaces--no carpet! I told him 9 years old was too young for cocaine, but do they listen?

Well, I hope you all are enjoying springtime! Ha. We have a coating of snow on the lawn. My St. Patty's day run around the lake was cancelled. Likewise to baseball practice for the coke head. So looks like I'll be breaking out a jigsaw puzzle. Well, looky here. It's young Henry, ambling out after a good night's sleep. What's this? Oh, his boxers are soaked through with urine. Body fluids abound this morning. And did I mention? I have no washer and dryer.

Good day.

Forget-Me-Not

2007-02-28T15:27:00.000-08:00

It is I, Irene, so long away from the scene. A couple of reasons for my lapse in posting. Aside from general busi-ness, I've hard a hard time adapting to the "new and improved" Blogger. I'm not the brightest bulb of the bunch and can never remember my user name/password on the first attempt , so it takes me a lot of effort now to log in. But as I am properly logged in for once, I'll sieze the moment and post a spell.

At the moment, I have a small glass of brandy by my side. Brandy, you say? You're a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. Brandy? That and some sherry is all I could find in the house, and let me tell you: Irene needs a stiff one. The volunteering has gotten out of hand. This is how Irene spent her day. An hour in the kindergarten classroom where I was told by a 5-year-old to "shut up." (He was summarily escorted to the principal's office.) Then it was off to a lunch meeting with co-working captioners (Indian buffet). Then I donned my chess cap and presided over meeting #2 of the chess club. Basically one hour of controlled chaos in the cafeteria.

But that's all boring. Where's the excitement? What has Irene been up to that really is of any interest? O.K. I'll tell you. Irene and the Handyman spent the weekend in the Big Apple and were lucky enough to be part of the SNL live audience again. Very much fun. Very little sleep.
Speaking of sleep, what's on Irene's nightstand? Next to the ben wa balls, Bill Bryson's "A Walk in the Woods." An actual account of his experience on the Appalachian trail, this book receives 3 stars in Irene's estimation. On deck: "The Book of Bright Ideas."

Forgive the "newsy post." Next time I'll tackle a real topic, like global warming or Anna Nicole.

Weekly Update

2007-02-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

Hello friends. It's Friday and it's been awhile since I've posted. Got a little extra time, so I thought I'd bring you up to speed on my shenanigans. First off, shout out to Aunt Meggy, sis to Suburban Warrior. She had her fourth yesterday, and you can read more about it here. Hooray!

And speaking of babies, my brother's wife's fourth ultrasound was FINALLY conclusive as far as determining gender. A boy! That makes six grandsons for mis padres. iDios mio! I'm a bit disappointed as they had contemplated naming a girl after me. Oh, well. We certainly love boys around here, so the little cowboy should integrate quite nicely.

On the nightstand (beside the KY-Jelly...) Nora Ephron's "I Feel Bad About My Neck." Finished it in an afternoon. She's not as funny as I thought, but it did keep me interested. On deck: "Peony" by Pearl Buck.

And I'm very sad to relate that my foolish flabby ass has been roped in (yet again) to taking over another PTA-sponsored activity at the elementary school. This time that of chess club coordinator. I proposed making it a Boggle/Chess Club, but was voted down. But for lack of anyone else to coordinate it, Irene will be busy w/pawns and rooks and the like from now until the beginning of May. Last year there was talk that the chess club was "too competitive"--keeping score and what not. At the first meeting, I plan to divide the kids into two groups: winners and losers.

Sweet Dreams Are Not Made Of This

2007-01-22T19:40:00.000-08:00

I have been wanting to speak out about this book for awhile. What kind of parent drives a pickup with an extension ladder to break into her grown son's home in the middle of the night? I find this story incredibly depressing, what with the themes of aging and death. My children find it downright frightening. The other night we all kind of laughed about how ridiculous it was as I read it aloud to them, and yes, they did chuckle heartily when, a few minutes after "lights out" I came crawling back into their room on my hands and knees... But shortly thereafter there was some quiet crying and "Mommy, you scared us." And finally, "can you take that book out of our room?"

Very disturbing indeed. In conclusion, a good vibrator is better on the nightstand than this book...any night of the week.

If only I were loved warts and all...

2007-01-17T16:03:00.000-08:00

Says my six-year-old...

"You are so mean! I don't understand why Daddy picked you to get married."

Well, the lazy days of jigsaw puzzles are over as I'm off to the pediatrician to have the wee one's mysterious rash diagnosed. Then it's my turn to see the M.D.--a wart removal. (not genital--I like to let those flourish). Let's just call it a dermatological doozy of a day! Have a dandy one!

Finally...some "me" time

2007-01-11T05:59:00.000-08:00

I tell you, could life be any more stressful? I thought I wouldn't be blogging again until after the long weekend, but alas, I have been working like a DOG and have accomplished my main objective for the week: to complete the 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle before the cleaning people come on Friday. (Wouldn't want them to miss dusting the table top!) So talk about stress... Well, mission accomplished, and here I am. Now that the hard work is done, I'm going to take some time to be good to Irene and just relax...

But I tell you, it's hard to really kick back and relax when I wander over to Suburban Warrior, and find they're bashing me...as usual. Saggy boobs and what not. Well, let me tell you about a recent news item that caught my attention. My ears really perked up when I heard the fabulous news that silicone has now been approved for implants. (There had been a moratorium on the use of silicone and one wanting implants had to go w/saline, which apparently is a tad inferior.) This is just wonderful, so I'm so glad I wasn't hasty w/the surgery. Now Irene can have the best value for her money. I'm sure you will agree that this is wonderful news.

OK folks. As I've made clear, I'm a very busy woman. I will catch up with you cats later.

Cool Your Jets, Mean Girls!

2007-01-07T17:09:00.000-08:00

Girls, girls... While Irene does enjoy a good cat fight, I really must put an end to the ugliness. Ginger, I don't know what's gotten into you. (Where have you been hiding until now?) But you are entitled to your say. And you who criticize Ginger, you sound as if you know so much about her... REVEAL! REVEAL! I would love to uncover Ginger's true identity. I find her most entertaining.

So people, how's the New Year going? Over here at the rambler we are having a good one. Guess what? My kids love video games. DS, XBOX. It's all we do! I bought a box of Krispy Kreme donuts today and rented an XBOX game from Blockbuster. I have not heard a peep for almost 10 hours. I am actually only joking, although I did buy donuts... The game that we really love (me especially) is BLINK! Have you played? It is a game of quickness, and boy, is it ever fun. I am champion of the house, and like Boggle, I feel I possess a special gift for this game.

On the nightstand... A new vibrator. Just kidding. "The Life of Pi," highly recommended by a good friend. While I found it slow at the start, this has turned into a wonderful read. I highly recommend, though you have probably read it because I understand it was popular years ago. (This is what happens when you rely on the public library for your literature.)

Went ice skating yesterday and am suffering sore muscles as a result. The eldest was attending a birthday party at the rink, so I thought it would be fun to take the middle child skating at the same time. I supported his little body 100% for about 50 laborious laps. Talk about a workout for the core. My goodness. The heating pad is currently draped around my shoulders.

Well, friends, I bid you adieu and wish you a fine week. I will be ultra busy, so don't expect a blog out of me until the King's bday.

Make It A Double

2006-12-27T04:31:00.000-08:00

Resolution #1: Don't drink Limoncello and champagne on the same evening. Especially after partaking in a Mexican meal.

We didn't just ring in New Year's once. We made it a double and celebrated twice...
as the party guests who just wouldn't leave. We were invited to a small get-together where the idea was to celebrate New Year's early w/the kids and then call it a night. Well, we celebrated heartily around 9:00, and I guess we just weren't ready to call it a year yet. Foozball, ping pong, darts. A good time was had by all of us, and hopefully we didn't wake up our kind hosts when we opened up that second bottle of bubbly at midnight...

I hope my readers had a wonderful winter break and New Year's. May you find much health and happiness in the year 2007. If anyone cares to share their personal resolutions, I invite you to comment. As for me, I resolve to spiff up my wardrobe, give dermabrasion a try, shed 5-10 pounds, and brush up on my square dancing.

Up on the housetop...

2006-12-13T14:17:00.000-08:00

Do you like it? I know the legs are a bit slender for Santa. I could only find women's mannequin legs on Ebay.

IN SEARCH OF...

2006-12-01T12:10:00.000-08:00

Fetch me an elf! Where in the name of sweet baby Jesus can I find the Cranium Giggle Gear Mega Mask Fun Fairy or the Fisher Price Lil Movers Airplane? You who have put me on this wild goose chase--you know who you are. Fellow blogger. Did you do this to me on purpose to torment me? You know I do not like to disappoint, but honestly. This is going to be tough. I've been on the phone with a bevy of toy retailers today and have tried all the online spots. No luck!

My kids are in for a rude awakening Christmas morning. The eldest cowboy (who is also the only literate one of the bunch) took it upon himself to draft up "Dear Santa letters" for the entire posse. I don't think there's a single item on anyone's list that's less than $50: cell phones, digital cameras, various video game systems. Ha! As if.

As for me, I am busy as all get-out. Holiday preparation is in full swing here at our cozy rambler. We trekked up to the attic night before last to retrieve our wooden advent calendar. While we were up there, the boys spied a bunch of the tackiest Christmas display items we own...you know the ones you hide way in the back, hoping not to have to display yet another year. But of course, upon seeing them, they chimed with, "I love this 10-foot snowman!" "This papier mache Rudolph is my favorite from days of yore!" So down they came. Tackola.

Well, no time to prattle on. Much work to do... Merry December!

Boggle Gobble

2006-11-21T09:59:00.000-08:00

"Gobble, gobble," from Irene
So long absent from the scene.

The time to blog is scarce these days.
No time for lounging in my chaise.

My "to-do" list is like a scroll.
Afraid the stress would take a toll...

I found an on-line Boggle site.
A chance to show the world my might!

A humbling move, I must admit.
I'm not so good. I feel like shit.

Those wordsmiths out in Cyberspace
Have put a frown upon my face.

Thanksgiving tidings to you all.
Enjoy your tender Butterball.

Borat and Boggle

2006-11-09T16:49:00.000-08:00

Well, we're back from our short getaway and so is our lil' fur muffin, Haley dog. If you recall, she spent four days chillin' at Suburban Warrior's crib. So a big shout out to my girl SW for taking wonderful care of our beloved family pet. Respect!

Has anyone seen "Borat"...other than my parents? I really want to see it, so I guess I'll be heading out solo to my local cinema. I tried arranging a girls' movie night two weeks ago to see The Queen. No takers. It's actually getting comical--me trying to organize "friends" to go out. Maybe it's time to join Netflix. Or clean my vagina.

But even if I have no friends, there is a very special something about me that I'd like to share. NOBODY BEATS ME AT BOGGLE. At the beach, I played against a bevy of opponents and became so bored with my staggering wins that I finally suggested trying to beat their scores collectively. I did. Then we tried giving me 1.5 minutes instead of the 3 minutes all the other players were allowed. I still won handedly. Yawn. I need some real competition. Bring it on.

2006-11-02T14:28:00.000-08:00

This is basically what you look like when you receive a Thai massage. 90 minutes of being manipulated into some very startling shapes. It was with some hestitancy that I scheduled the massage. I had heard mixed reviews about it. My brother, who is a bit of a pansy, hated it...likened it to being in a torture chamber. My sister-in-law, who adores yoga, loved it. Irene's always up for an adventure, so I took the risk and have to say...thumbs up!

I have a busy day ahead, but I wanted to give my readers fair warning. The family canine is headed to Suburban Warrior's for a brief stay while we sojourn to the Outer Banks. During ths time, SW will undoubtedly post disparaging words about our lil' furry bitch. I wouldn't be leaving her there if I wasn't truly desperate because reading the slander is always very painful. So, please, readers, do not encourage her hate-filled words with comments. On second thought, maybe she'll be too busy picking up the poop to post at all!

Bringing Back A Seasonal Favorite...

2006-10-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

Teenager as trick-or-treater
Does she think that I will feed her?
She menstruates, she dates a boy.
Far too old for Almond Joy.

(Enjoy the Halloween season.)

I Like "I Like You"

2006-10-18T13:59:00.000-07:00

Try "I Like You" by Amy Sedaris. This book has much helpful advice, from gift ideas for a lumberjack to how to clean your vagina. It also is chock-full of delicious recipes. (But be sure to wash your vagina before you begin cooking!)

I wish I would have read this book before my high school reunion. I bet I would have smelled better.

FRIDAY THE 13TH

2006-10-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

The agile monkey (my husband) has swung from his handyman branch to his hunting branch and is presently perched high atop a tree stand as I type this entry. He will be there until nightfall, and he will return again to his redneck perch at 5 a.m. tomorrow. Never mind I had a work deadline to meet this evening. Soccer practice to get one cowboy to. Three soccer games in the morning. Three soccer photos in the morning. And a wedding present to shop for and wrap. I guess I'll be up at 5 a.m. as well, simply to run the household, while his agile-monkeyness looks for viscious deer to slay. But am I bitter? Heck no.

At least I can say I had a fulfilling day chaperoning the third grade to Colonial Farm, a working tobacco farm in southern Maryland. The kids learned all about how to grow and dry their own tobacco! I can't wait to put those little tobacco seedlings in the ground come springtime! Truth be told, it was a fascinating trip, and I even received a round of applause and cheering on the bus ride home when I bravely picked up (yuck) a daddy long-legs spider who apparently wanted to make a break from the farm. I picked him up by one of his lengthy legs and tossed him out of the bus window onto 495. The children were so impressed!

I am waiting for more reunion photos before I post the details about that event. Suffice to say it was really very fun. Everyone looked better than I had secretly hoped they would. But other than that, it was all very good. As I've told several friends, I'm enjoying the fact that it is now over and I can let my teeth return to their normal shade of tan and also let all my facial hair grow back in.

Have a great weekend and enjoy those crisp fall temperatures!

Fundraiser not fun

2006-10-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

If you have a child in school (or in girl scouts or in boy scouts or on any other number of organizations) you've been asked to participate in a fundraiser, selling useless crap from a catalog. Crap that no one really wants. Let's be honest.

Especially this year. Our school went with a different company this year that sells such junk. Ugly wrapping paper, tacky seasonal ornaments, other useless bric-a-brac. Blech.

But what needles me is not the quality of the products being sold; it's the way that the people in charge of the fundraiser try to get the kids all hyped up about the piece-of-shit prizes they can win if they sell x number of items. (See above photo.) Our school even offers a "Hum-V ride to McDonald's" to students who sell a large number of items. There are also prizes awarded to the classroom that earns the most money, like a pizza party or doughnuts, etc. This all coming from a school that almost disbanded chess club because it is "too competitive." Go figure.

Ladies Lunch

2006-09-25T17:05:00.000-07:00

This ought to be humorous. Irene's attempting to host a ladies lunch at her place on Thursday, honoring the birthdays of two buddies. The menu's been chosen with great care, Grandma's china is being dusted off, fresh flowers shall be arranged... Amidst the celebration, a geriatric dog will be hauling her furry ass from room to room, dropping bits of fecal matter willy-nilly. I can just hear me now..."Oops. A truffle must have rolled off the dessert cart. Pardon me while I retrieve it."

Stick It To Me!

2006-09-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

Something light and humorous for your Friday. Let's banter about bumper stickers! At the present time, I have nary a bumper sticker or decal on my vehicle, but my first car, the super-fast, super-hot Isuzu I-Mark, proudly wore a few. When my last name was Garcia I had a GARCIYA LATER sticker for awhile. I had a "Tsongas for President" sticker on...briefly. And I'm fairly certain I displayed a vibrant South of the Border bumper sticker as well. I certainly enjoy reading bumper stickers when I'm on the road and here are a few that have elicited hearty chuckles:

I LOVE HUNTING...accidents

I LOVE ANIMALS...they're delicious

PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY

And my all-time favorite, hands-down...

HOW'S MY DRIVING?
CALL 1-800-EAT-SHIT.

Nothing's funnier. How about you? I'm sure you've spotted some knee-slappers out there. Please share, won't you? And, hey, have yourselves a terrific weekend.

HEY YOU GUUUYYSS!

2006-09-18T16:54:00.000-07:00

We're gonna turn it on
We're gonna bring you the power
We're gonna light up the dark of night
Like the brightest day in a whole new way
We're gonna turn it on
We're gonna bring you the power
It's coming down the lines,
Strong as they can be
Through the courtesy of The Electric Company
The Electric Company-y-y-y
The Electric Company-y-y-y

Just purchased "The Best of Electric Company" DVD. If only I could track down "Hodgepodge Lodge."

Irene + Library = TLA

2006-09-12T10:10:00.000-07:00

The library is one of my most favorite spots on earth. I can't get enough. The smell of a library book...I wish they'd bottle it. Perfume to my nose.

I patronize the library on a very regular basis. Now that I have kids, I check out dozens of books on any given trip. I respect the library and what it stands for. And my library account, until recently, has been in good standing. That is until my 8 year old misplaced his copy of "My Life as a Human Hockey Puck." Damn him!

Despite much time searching high and low for the paperback, I was forced to approach the librarian with the embarrassing news: I had lost a book. "Nonsense," she said, "I shall renew it for you and you'll see--it will turn up." You see? Even at my weakest moment, the library was there for me, supportive and kind. I felt a new spring in my step as I exited the door and headed home.

Alas, three weeks later, a very sullen Irene returned with her checkbook. The book, you see, was still amiss somewhere in this flea-ridden, shit-rolling hole of a house. The librarian gave me a sympathetic simper when she said, "$5.99, please." I handed over the check.

Well, friends, there is a happy ending to this sad tale because just yesterday as I was cleaning a closet, I found "My Life as a Human Hockey Puck"! It was a triumphant moment, but then I realized..."Hmmm. I've already paid for this crappy book." (It was a crappy book. My son didn't even like it enough to finish it.) "Do I have to keep it, or will the library issue me a refund?" Heck no, I thought. I'm sure what's done is done. Lifelong possession of that book is the price I pay for slovenly library patronship. My albatross, if you will.

So I was at the library today. (I had been courteously notified by email that a title I had on hold was ready and waiting for me to pick up.) I brought the heretofore lost book with me and inquired as to whether they issue refunds for books that had been "lost and purchased" but now were found. And you know what? They do! And they did! Remarkable.

I love the library, and you should too.

Happy Birthday Husband!

2006-09-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

That's a belated shout-out to you, hubby. Yesterday was just too busy to blog, what with you wanting to spend all evening in the sandbox. Such a kid at heart, you are.

So today I'm sure my readers join me in wishing you a belated 38th birthday. Hooray!

I Think Her Head is in the Sand

2006-09-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

Actual conversation between my new neighbor (mother to 10-month-old twin girls) and myself:

ME: My friend has a plastic sandbox her kids don't use anymore. I thought you might like it for your girls.

NEIGHBOR: Oh. Um...a sandbox. Like a box that you put sand in?

ME: Yes. That's it. You've probably seen them--this one's shaped like a turtle and has a lid. It's in really good shape.

NEIGHBOR: So, I'd have to put sand inside of it?

ME: Yes. They sell bags of "play sand" at places like Home Depot.

NEIGHBOR: Hmm...a sandbox... Do I need one of those?

ME: Well, no, you don't "need" one, but sometimes they're fun for kids.

NEIGHBOR: Do you have a sandbox?

ME: Yes, we have a very big sandbox.

NEIGHBOR: The girls might like it... (brief pause) But they'd get sandy, wouldn't they?

AAAGGGH!

I Am The Wind Beneath His Wings

2006-08-27T19:25:00.000-07:00

What a night! Did you hear that speech? I wish you all could have been fleas on the wall over here at the rambler when, 1) he won; 2) he delivered a riotous acceptance speech and 3)gave a shout out to sissy, dubbing me "HILARIOUS." Next year I'm hoping he will invite me to accompany his bad bald self. I will be red-carpet-ready w/the implants riding high.

A Very Special Triathlon

2006-08-20T17:18:00.000-07:00

The Handyman and I have a mean habit of glancing out the window on the weekends, watching people jogging down our street, and making fun of the ones who have an odd gait. We'll even clear out some of the furniture in the living room so we can imitate their oafish running, eliciting all kinds of giggles from our children. Well, never again. Yesterday I caught a glimpse of my running self on video and believe that I could quite possibly earn a place on the U.S. Special Olympic team.

My knees knock together when I run. They don't actually touch but appear as if they might. Something akin to a breaststroke kick. Regardless, the cerebral-palsy-like style did carry me over the finish line yesterday. As a matter of fact, I finished in EXACTLY the same time as last year.

Today, when I expressed to my kids that I hope I can finish a little faster next year, my eldest pointed out to me that I appeared only to be "jogging" the run and that I should have been doing a full-on sprint. The middle one suggested I wear "Heelys." Do you wear a helmet with Heelys? 'Cuz a helmet would definitely go with my running style. As would leg braces.

Tri-ing (too hard)

2006-08-17T17:05:00.000-07:00

Triathlon looms--Sunday's the day
Will I make it all the way?

1/3 mile swim, then the bike
Running's next (quite a hike.)

Hoped I'd have the implants in
To improve bouyancy on the swim.

Alas, I'll just have sagging mounds
As I pass the cheering crowds.

Wish me luck and pray a load
I don't expire on Braddock Road.

Embarrassed as Sh*t

2006-08-11T11:27:00.000-07:00

I am so embarrassed. We have a senior dog who has become, of late, slightly incontinent. Lately she lets a few (hard) poops drop out around the house. While the clean-up is easy enough, the bad thing is you never know when you might happen upon a random piece of shit, and that can be slightly embarrassing when company calls.

Today was the day the maids come--yeeha! (The fact that there's random bits of shit scattered about the house tells you that housekeeping is not my forte.) When they come they also change the bed linens. Wonderful! So this afternoon, I went down to the laundry room where the linens were neatly bundled by the washing machine. I started pulling apart the bundle from my bed to load them into the washer and what comes tumbling out but a VERY large piece of fecal matter.

How humiliating that the people who clean my house think not only that I'm too lazy to clean my own home, but that I am too lazy to get up and use the toilet in the middle of the night.

VBS, yes, yes, yes!

2006-08-08T02:23:00.000-07:00

Ah, the week I've been anticipating all summer has arrived! It's VBS...vacation bargain school! For a mere pittance, the good Lutheran people take my kids off my hands from 9 till 12:30, freeing me up to do any number of things. CAN I GET AN AMEN?

In summers past, we were more or less VBS gypsies, wandering from the Lutherans to the Baptists to the Methodists, to the Presbyterians. I've cut back now to just one week, but still, there are those who seem suspicious of my motives. Yesterday at the pool, I overheard another mother griping about how she had spent the morning volunteering at VBS and how it seems more and more people are signing up their kids simply as a means for a "mother's morning out." I cowered behind my crossword puzzle and slunk a little lower in my chaise lounge...guilty.

Things Get Messy Meeting Uncle Jesse

2006-08-02T13:45:00.000-07:00

My neck is feeling a little better. Thanks for asking.

I want to take a moment to post about a most exciting adventure I partook in last weekend. The Beach Boys concert...with John Stamos! A friendly relative of mine got me a few tickets and some backstage passes. I took my 8-year-old as he is a new fan of "Full House" and particularly, Uncle Jesse. Also with us was a friend of mine and 3 other younguns. Feeling very important, we all swaggered back stage after the show, proudly sporting our backstage passes. John was supposed to be there waiting with open arms...but, to be quite blunt, he blew us off. Apparently he was in a hurry to get some food in that rock-star tummy and made a speedy exit from the Filene Center, not leaving so much as a note for us on his dressing room door. It was a sad, sad scene.

Well, let me tell you, I didn't get this far in life being demure. A bold and resourceful Irene made a few calls, found out exactly where Uncle Jesse had scurried off to, and declared, "Let the wild goose chase begin!" The Honda Odyssey careened on two wheels as it entered 495 and whipped halfway 'round the beltway to our destination. In no time flat we had tracked down John's lil' ass at a dive in Chevy Chase, noshing on crabs. My entourage and I (still sporting our backstage passes) waltzed right in and interrupted his dinner, but he was truly delightful about the intrusion and took the time to chat and sign autographs and pose for a few pictures. What a guy!

That's all for today. Stay cool in this oppressive heat, my readers!

Greg Louganis I Aintis

2006-07-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

Acting spunky at the pool
Now I really feel the fool.

Here I've gone and wrenched my neck
Simple front dive. What the heck?

Attempting to be acrobatic,
Irene is sadly...geriatric.

Attention!

2006-07-17T18:49:00.000-07:00

Sergeant Stoker here, reporting on the completion of an important mission carried out Sunday here at Fort Stoker: Operation Celebration of Henry and Charlie's Birthdays--6 and 4, respectively. Once again, I got a little carried away with a theme and believe I had more fun planning this shin-dig than the kiddies actually had at the party itself. In my planning phase, I paid several visits to my local surplus store, collecting odds and ends that worked into my theme. The men who work there believe we'll be invaded tomrrow and scoff at utilizing their gear for a kiddy party. I thought they'd hit the roof when I asked if they might donate a stack of their nifty camouflage plastic bags to use as "goodie bags." And their faces were incredulous when I inquired about borrowing a life-sized G.I. display for a "pin the tail on the donkey" type game. Lighten up, people!

In other news, I was paid a surprise visit by Suburban Warrior and her two darling daughters yesterday. That baby is just too much. It is clear to me that whoever's in charge of guiding her spiritually is doing a FANTASTIC job. You have never seen a more peaceful, reverent, God-fearing newborn.

On the nightstand: I have just completed "Never Eat Your Heart Out" by Judith Moore and will be beginning "The Time Traveler's Wife" next. Have you read it? Did you enjoy it? I hear it's a real page-turner once you get past the relatively slow beginning.

Beauty talk: Can anyone give a good testimony regarding teeth whitening systems. I'd like to hear from those of you with experience in this area. Anyone out there go the Britesmile route? I believe I'm too lazy for the trays and/or nightly strip applications. If it can be done once and forgotten about, sign me up. (high school reunion approacheth!) However, before I tackle the teeth, perhaps I should do something about this nasty rash I've developed after swimming laps in our community pool last night. (Yes, folks, training for my annual triathlon is well underway.)

Wading in the Gene Pool

2006-07-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

We've recently returned from a family reunion in Johnstown, Pennsylvania. Relatives from my husband's side came together for a day of frivolity, and we spent the day at my husband's cousin's house, complete with pool and...trampoline! (Check me out in the photo!) Most refreshing was the reassuring realization that my husband comes from stock that is, largely, civilized and normal. A nice group of gregarious folk. If my clansmen were to convene (no one's ever been organized enough to actually plan a reunion), the group would be more...well, colorful. The following day we made tracks back home, but not before paying a visit to the Flight 93 memorial in Shanksville. Then on to Fort Necessity (early fort dating from time of French-Indian War). We are fun-lovers. That's for darn sure.

Preparations

2006-06-30T04:14:00.000-07:00

Hello. If I've been remiss in posting, it is because I have been caught up in the extensive preparations for my role as Godmother this weekend. Suburban Warrior's offspring shall, at long last, be welcomed into the fold. Rejoice and be glad!

Yesterday I busied myself choosing the perfect gift and card. Today is devoted to quiet meditation and reflection. Tomorrow, well, the spotlight's on me and I just hope I can render myself somewhat hairless for the occasion. Fortunately it is an evening event, so I have all day to work on my appearance. The Mach II is at the ready.

In cultural news, I'd like to comment on a good theatrical performance. Earlier this week the Handyman and I saw "Spamalot!" It was marvelous! The only downside to the evening was that it took us, from our suburban home, exactly 2.5 hours to get to National Theater. That was due to extreme gridlock because of the heavy rains. Our plan was to dine before the show. (Forutnately the always-prepared Irene had a stash of granola bars and gummies in the mini van.) I also tripped on my heels and skinned my knee as we literally ran from the car to the theater. But alas, readers...only a flesh wound!

Not much else to say today. Camp Stoker is in high gear with activity. This week it's soccer camp for 2 out of 3 of the lads. Next week we celebrate the birth of our nation and cap off the week with a family reunion in Pennsylvania (Handyman's side).

May you and yours have a delightful Fourth.

Irene the Weasle

2006-06-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

Seems I have two awkward situations to weasle myself out of this morning. The first being the hasty deletion of my blog. During a brief period of self-loathing (due to recent events ike the one described below), I decided I no longer could afford the distraction of posting. That was foolhardy and just plain cruel to those of my fans who suffered alarm and confusion.

So here's one incident that has occured in the last 12 hours that will help shed some light on just how over-extended I am feeling these days. My son lost another tooth yesterday and drifted off to sleep last night with the bicuspid beneath his pillow. He woke this morning and promptly reported that the tooth fairy had not paid a visit. Right. That's because the tooth fairy drifted off to sleep with a novel on her chest and awoke this morning preoccupied with the day's agenda. Fortunately my son, (who I suspect may be on to the tooth fairy,) was not terribly upset, but was looking for an explanation. So I hemmed and hawed and muttered something about how I seem to recollect a similar incident occuring to me as a youth. But as I putzed around the kitchen, riddled with guilt, I remembered that last night cowboys 1 and 2 were caught pilfering candy out of the kitchen. So I poked my head between my son and the t.v. and suggested to him that perhaps the Tooth Fairy was aware of the candy stealing that he had been party to. He considered this with a bit of a guilty grin on his face. I said that the Tooth Fairy probably suspected the tooth had fallen out due to negligence (too much candy consumption) and that the tooth would not be covered in the Tooth Fairy's policy. Do you know? I think he bought it.