Ladies Lunch

This ought to be humorous. Irene's attempting to host a ladies lunch at her place on Thursday, honoring the birthdays of two buddies. The menu's been chosen with great care, Grandma's china is being dusted off, fresh flowers shall be arranged... Amidst the celebration, a geriatric dog will be hauling her furry ass from room to room, dropping bits of fecal matter willy-nilly. I can just hear me now..."Oops. A truffle must have rolled off the dessert cart. Pardon me while I retrieve it."

Stick It To Me!

Something light and humorous for your Friday. Let's banter about bumper stickers! At the present time, I have nary a bumper sticker or decal on my vehicle, but my first car, the super-fast, super-hot Isuzu I-Mark, proudly wore a few. When my last name was Garcia I had a GARCIYA LATER sticker for awhile. I had a "Tsongas for President" sticker on...briefly. And I'm fairly certain I displayed a vibrant South of the Border bumper sticker as well. I certainly enjoy reading bumper stickers when I'm on the road and here are a few that have elicited hearty chuckles:

I LOVE HUNTING...accidents

I LOVE ANIMALS...they're delicious

PIMPIN' AIN'T EASY

And my all-time favorite, hands-down...

HOW'S MY DRIVING?
CALL 1-800-EAT-SHIT.

Nothing's funnier. How about you? I'm sure you've spotted some knee-slappers out there. Please share, won't you? And, hey, have yourselves a terrific weekend.

HEY YOU GUUUYYSS!

We're gonna turn it on
We're gonna bring you the power
We're gonna light up the dark of night
Like the brightest day in a whole new way
We're gonna turn it on
We're gonna bring you the power
It's coming down the lines,
Strong as they can be
Through the courtesy of The Electric Company
The Electric Company-y-y-y
The Electric Company-y-y-y

Just purchased "The Best of Electric Company" DVD. If only I could track down "Hodgepodge Lodge."

Irene + Library = TLA

The library is one of my most favorite spots on earth. I can't get enough. The smell of a library book...I wish they'd bottle it. Perfume to my nose.

I patronize the library on a very regular basis. Now that I have kids, I check out dozens of books on any given trip. I respect the library and what it stands for. And my library account, until recently, has been in good standing. That is until my 8 year old misplaced his copy of "My Life as a Human Hockey Puck." Damn him!

Despite much time searching high and low for the paperback, I was forced to approach the librarian with the embarrassing news: I had lost a book. "Nonsense," she said, "I shall renew it for you and you'll see--it will turn up." You see? Even at my weakest moment, the library was there for me, supportive and kind. I felt a new spring in my step as I exited the door and headed home.

Alas, three weeks later, a very sullen Irene returned with her checkbook. The book, you see, was still amiss somewhere in this flea-ridden, shit-rolling hole of a house. The librarian gave me a sympathetic simper when she said, "$5.99, please." I handed over the check.

Well, friends, there is a happy ending to this sad tale because just yesterday as I was cleaning a closet, I found "My Life as a Human Hockey Puck"! It was a triumphant moment, but then I realized..."Hmmm. I've already paid for this crappy book." (It was a crappy book. My son didn't even like it enough to finish it.) "Do I have to keep it, or will the library issue me a refund?" Heck no, I thought. I'm sure what's done is done. Lifelong possession of that book is the price I pay for slovenly library patronship. My albatross, if you will.

So I was at the library today. (I had been courteously notified by email that a title I had on hold was ready and waiting for me to pick up.) I brought the heretofore lost book with me and inquired as to whether they issue refunds for books that had been "lost and purchased" but now were found. And you know what? They do! And they did! Remarkable.

I love the library, and you should too.

Happy Birthday Husband!

That's a belated shout-out to you, hubby. Yesterday was just too busy to blog, what with you wanting to spend all evening in the sandbox. Such a kid at heart, you are.

So today I'm sure my readers join me in wishing you a belated 38th birthday. Hooray!

I Think Her Head is in the Sand

Actual conversation between my new neighbor (mother to 10-month-old twin girls) and myself:

ME: My friend has a plastic sandbox her kids don't use anymore. I thought you might like it for your girls.

NEIGHBOR: Oh. Um...a sandbox. Like a box that you put sand in?

ME: Yes. That's it. You've probably seen them--this one's shaped like a turtle and has a lid. It's in really good shape.

NEIGHBOR: So, I'd have to put sand inside of it?

ME: Yes. They sell bags of "play sand" at places like Home Depot.

NEIGHBOR: Hmm...a sandbox... Do I need one of those?

ME: Well, no, you don't "need" one, but sometimes they're fun for kids.

NEIGHBOR: Do you have a sandbox?

ME: Yes, we have a very big sandbox.

NEIGHBOR: The girls might like it... (brief pause) But they'd get sandy, wouldn't they?

AAAGGGH!